Does this happen to you too? Do you feel lost in the fog of many identities? I do. And sometimes I feel suffocated. Gasping for air, I want to go to wild open spaces with just myself for company. But then who am I? Who is the real me? I'm so many people that I don't know who I really am.
Sometimes I'm a friend, (a keeper of dark secrets, giggling idiot,clown, teacher, storyteller, bully, cook, tyrant), sometimes a son, (rebellious, obedient) , a co-worker (amicable, moody, efficient?, skilled?), a boss (supportive, protective, not a good teacher, not very patient), a brother (organisor of events, bearer of good/bad news, punching bag), a home maker (eternally cleaning up the mess!)...
So what happens to ME when I'm stripped of all these identities? Then I do not know who I am. Do I exist outside of all this? Is there really a ME out there? Shouldn't there really be a ME? Or not? Am I being foolish asking these questions? I don't know.
Like a stage actor, I don a mask and I play my role. I switch roles with ease. Mindlessly I laugh, talk, work... But suddenly I feel choked. By the love of people around me. By their trust in me. By the many roles I'm expected to play. By the implicit belief that I can do what everyone expects of me. But these expectations scare me. I fear I cannot live up to them. Worse, I do not want to live up to them. Why am I being moulded by other people's expectations of ME? What about my own expectations of ME? Jeez do I have any expectations out of myself at all? I do not even know that. How am I supposed to find out? These relationships have fogged my brain. I cannot think beyond them. I want to move out. Yet I'm afraid. What if there really is no ME...
Oh dear,The fog refuses to clear.
When I look in the mirror
Who will I see?
A friend, a son, a co worker
Or ME?
So many masks wait for me
I wear them one by one
If a mask is ripped off
Will the real ME come undone?
I need to look for ME
Things I need to find
But the fog is so heavy
It makes me blind
Oh dear, oh dear
Why does this fog refuse to clear?
